A Woman’s Place: Modern Motherhood, 21st Century Feminism, Why I am Not a Corporate “Drop out,” and Calling a Truce in the “Mommy Wars”

I love women. We are, quite simply, amazing creatures. I am a feminist and a grateful recipient of the benefits of the women's movement.  I view the strides women have made in the past century to be the most remarkable social evolution in history – stunning, albeit imperfect, in its pace and success. If you doubt this, ask any woman in her 60s - things have changed quite a bit and for the better.  

It is from this posture, that I read with great interest a recent New Yorker magazine article entitled:  "A Woman's Place: Can Sheryl Sandberg upend Silicon Valley's male-dominated culture?" by Ken Auletta (New Yorker, July 11 & 18, 2011) pp. 54-63. 

Here is some background on Ms. Sandberg, for those who have not read the article.  She graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard with an economics degree, was mentored and employed for many years by former Harvard professor and president Larry Summers, was then hired into an executive position at Google and is now at Facebook.  She claims that there is no longer a glass ceiling in corporate America and that women's primary roadblocks are internal - that they, unlike their male counterparts, have to be talked into taking on new, tougher assignments, don't initiate salary negotiations, don't force their spouses to be fifty-fifty partners at home, don't "lean into" their careers, and "leave before they leave" (i.e., "When a woman starts thinking of having children, 'she doesn't raise her hand anymore . . . . She starts leaning back.' In other words, if women don't get the job they want before they take a break to have children, they often don't come back.")  Id. at 58.

I wanted to like her and to applaud her success, and I do.  All the same, when I finished the article I felt angry and, to be honest, some of my anger was directed at Ms. Sandberg and other women who have chosen to remain in the corporate workforce and appear to look down on, or at least bemoan, women who have chosen a different path.  I felt like screaming:  Focusing my life on motherhood and household work is a valid career choice!!!  I was angry enough that I wrote a first draft of this essay that was a pretty nasty attack on Ms. Sandberg, her perspective, and her advice to young women.  Thankfully, my legal training kicked in and before I published a forever-indexed-and-cached on Google diatribe, I watched Ms. Sandberg’s TED talk on YouTube, and listened to her actual words, as opposed to her words reinterpreted through the author’s filter.  What she actually says is the following, “If you want to stay in the workforce . . . .” here is my advice to you:  Sit at the table, not on the sidelines; keep your hand up; and, don’t leave before you leave.[1]

Ironically, in my former career as a corporate litigator, I instinctively and unknowingly followed Ms. Sandberg’s advice to women who want to remain in the corporate workforce, and perhaps it was by doing so that I felt so free to leave that world behind with no regrets.  I always “sat at the table, not the on the sidelines” – when it came time to select an office at my law firm, I picked the one right next door to the head of my department; I almost always raised my hand (perhaps more often than was prudent), and I loved the job I had before I left.  I chose to leave, and I did so to focus exclusively on parenting and homemaking, rather than on a corporate career, or trying to balance both.[2]

Why did I leave the corporate workforce?  It was the best choice for me.  It was a bit frightening to leave all those obvious trappings of success behind, but I viewed and continue to view motherhood and household duties to be valid and highly valuable career choices, and taking this path has made all the difference. I am sharing this with all of you because I hope to inspire a change in perception and attitude.  I am an educated, empowered woman and this was my choice.  I am not "wasting" my Stanford University education, my Boston University J.D., magna cum laude, or my five years of corporate litigation experience.  I am using aspects of all that knowledge and experience every day to make my home and the world a better place, and I am happy and at peace.  I work hard and I take time for myself to do things I enjoy.  I actively and conscientiously parent my two children and invest significant time and energy into maintaining our home and almost every other non-wage-earning aspect of our family life.  My family is thriving.  I feel whole and fully actualized.  I have friendships and hobbies.  I am learning to play the guitar and sew.  I exercise almost every day, tend my garden, cook, and bake.  I also perform less glamorous and sometimes down right disgusting tasks related to children’s bodily functions and other relatively unsavory housecleaning duties.  I do laundry and grocery shop, which are tasks that I love, and I iron (sometimes) and dust (grudgingly), which are tasks that I dread.  I volunteer in my daughter's classroom and in the community. I call friends, read books, write, meditate, and pray.  Sometimes, I nap!  My education serves me well.  I feel confident in my ability to answer my children’s questions about the world, or know where to find the answers.  I encourage them to think critically, to be curious, to challenge me (politely).  I can also engage in intelligent conversation with my husband and our friends.  I can initiate stimulating discourse at a cocktail party and know how to throw a really good one.  Life is good.

I did not drop out of the workforce.  I would love to earn a paycheck for the job I do, but I am fortunate not to need one to survive.  I am grateful to have had a choice of where to focus my time, energy, and skills, and I made the best choice for me.  I respect other women’s choices, and I would appreciate equal respect for mine. 

But, this is not just about me.  Ms. Sandberg’s boss, Mark Zuckerberg, states: "She could go be the CEO of any company that she wanted to . . . . But I think the fact that she really wants to get her hands dirty and work, and doesn't need to be the front person all the time, is the amazing thing about her. It's that low-ego element, where you can help people around you and not need to be the face of all the stuff."  Id. at 64.  Good for her.  Now, a shout out to all mothers:  Motherhood is the ultimate low-ego position.  All you mothers, whether you have remained in the wage-earning workforce or not – Live your choice!  Love your choice!  Support the choices other women have made.  Let’s call a truce to the “Mommy Wars.”  Do I hear an "Amen, sister"?

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[1] The conditional statement that prefaces Ms. Sandberg’s advice is a very important qualifying statement.  I have found myself asking, did the New Yorker leave this out because they failed to realize its importance, or was it a purposeful attempt to incite another round of the “Mommy Wars”?  Who knows?  Suffice it to say, I am no longer angry with Ms. Sandberg and I highly recommend watching her TED talk.  It is well done, at times poignant, and contains some good advice for women who want to succeed long-term in the corporate world.

[2] Word choice is important.  Many people, including Ms. Sandberg, use the term “dropping out” to describe women leaving the corporate workforce.  Choosing to leave the wage-earning workforce is not “dropping out” of the workforce.  I dislike the term “dropping out,” because it bears the negative connotation of “high school drop out” and, furthermore, it implies that the work I do as a mother and homemaker is not “real work.”