I journal almost every day. How I am feeling, what I liked and didn't like about the previous day, what I am proud of, where I wish to improve, apologies I owe, inspirational quotes, goals for the present day, dreams I had the night before.....As the journals fill up, I place them in a locked drawer and set about filling the next journal. Some of my writing friends were sharing recently about going back to old journals and re-reading them. I had no desire to do so until a strange, reoccurring dream set me to thinking about its possible significance. Curious about what was going on in my life the last time I had the dream, I began a journey back in time, through about 18 months worth of journal writings. I never found any notes about that dream, but I found something even more interesting - a dream about my daughter from about a year ago.
At the time the dream came to me, my husband and I were on "vacation" - i.e., a weekend in Monterey without the children to attend the Annual Meeting on the California Bar Association so I could fulfill my continuing education requirement. I dreamed that my daughter (at her then present age of 6) decided that she wanted a tattoo. It all came about rather informally - a tattoo artist just happened to visit our home. I was a little distracted and non-vigilant at some point and my daughter selected an enormous parrot design that would cover her entire left leg. I could hear her crying and whimpering as the artist worked on her. I felt intense sympathy for her, but did not interfere. After a while she took a break and came to me for a hug. I could see the outlines of the design on her thigh and I was shocked at how large it was. It also was magnificently beautiful. I felt there was no going back now, so I gently encouraged her to keep going and to be brave. She went back for more. This process repeated itself several times, as she would endure the pain as long as she could, take a break, come to me for loves, and then return for more. Each time she came to me the design was more and more beautiful - glorious, but eventually she was covered in sweat from enduring the pain and decided she would rest and finish up at a later date, which I thought seemed very wise on her part. I was proud of her. Then, suddenly, I felt fear. I was worried that her dad would be angry at me for allowing her to get a tattoo, especially one that was so large. It was as if the sweet bond between she and I, and the magical spell around what we had been sharing, had been broken, and the enormity of the whole event hit me. I felt some grief over the permanent alteration of her body. I felt self-doubt over allowing her to do it and guilt because I had been distracted when it all began and I could not influence her decision in any way. My husband appeared and was upset, but did not blame me. He appeared to unhappily accept what he could not change. At that point, the dream changed and I woke up. I note in my journal that "I awoke with gratitude - gratitude that it was a dream, not reality, and gratitude for the dream as well. It is a powerful metaphor for the challenge of parenting, the dance of power within the parent-child relationship, our struggle within ourselves to parent consciously and well and with all our hearts, and the creeping insecurities and concerns about what others (even our spouses) will think about our parenting. It is also a parable to teach me about detachment with love."
I still love this dream. I had forgotten all about it, but when I read my journal, the images and emotions of the dream returned to me as if I had just awoken from it. As I reflect in that dream today, I am awed by the wisdom in it. Ironically, I would be disappointed if my daughter chose to get a tattoo, even at a more appropriate age. But, I love that I allowed her to do so in this dream. I love that I respected her personal autonomy and supported her right to make this decision for herself. I love that despite my fear and disappointment at her selection of the design, I could appreciate its beauty. I love that when she came to me for love and support, I gave it freely, unconditionally; that she would come close and venture back over and over so reminded me of the fledgling attempts at adulthood that I made throughout my teens and early twenties, until I finally spread my wings and soared into my own independent life. Perhaps that is why she chose to be tattooed with the image of a beautiful and highly intelligent bird. I hope that as she works through her real life transitions I will be able to detach with love, and love her unconditionally, as I did in my dream life.
